It's kind of sad that I have so much time that I can almost post something everyday. I mean I barely have time at home but in school I just don't get as much homework as others do so I have plenty of time in my study hall & Viking Success class. I spent most of the time reading but I finished the book I brought for today already so now I am sitting here again with my mind spinning around and I decided to write something on my blog because I am afraid I will lose my mind when I think too much. But I also don't want to write in german everyday so I switched to english again.
As you can read, this post will be all about feelings. And I can tell you that I have a lot of them since I came here. The question everyone asks an exchange student is: Are you homesick yet? Do you miss your family and friends? And when I answer honestly I have to say, no, I am not homesick and no I am not spending my time missing special persons in my life. But there is something different, I can't explain very well. The main reason that I don't miss anything is that I just can't realise that I am here. I can't realise I am not at home and that everything is different now. It was always like that that I can't realise things and that makes it even harder. So I don't miss the things but I kind of miss everything. That doesn't make much sense but it's like that: I miss how things were before I left. I miss what I never realised I had. I miss the feeling waking up next to my dog in the morning. I miss the feeling of knowing were I belong. I miss the feeling that I knew what was coming and that I could control things. I miss the feeling of Germany. The feeling of sitting in class and talking to my friends. I miss the feeling of freedom, just to know that I can go outside and run away as far as I want and nobody would ask me where I am going. So what I want to tell you is that I don't miss the persons alone but the feelings and the knowledge. I hope that the ones who know me understand what I want to say.
Also I start to feel like I am at home here now. We went to Warsaw yesterday and I bought things for my room and now it feels like I put a piece of myself in it. It is strange calling a place your home when you know you will leave it again. I mean a home is a place where you will always belong to.
But I guess that this is what a second home is too. I mean I will never be the same part of it as my hostfamily is but I will belong to it in another way. My class is almost over and I don't think I wrote all my thoughts down like I wanted to. It is just so hard to understand everything. My mind is going crazy and I don't know what to feel. On the one side I love almost everything about my life here - my amazing hostfamily, my school that is so much different but in the best way, the american life and the people who are so nice no matter what. But on the other side I am afraid things will change too much and that everything will be different when I come home. That is my greatest fear - because that is something I can never undo.. I know I will change - I already did and I know the people I left behind will change just like me. But I shouldn't think about that right know. The future will tell...
So if any exchange student that is reading that, I would love to know if you might have the same feelings or if it is completely different for you.
Let me know.
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